Sunday, December 7, 2008

The Little Black Dress

Now that you have at least some idea of what to do and what not to do while in a public place, how about that girl you have an interest in.

For starters, while there are many things you can do to impress a woman from taking her white water rafting on a first date (shows you are thinking outside the box) to something as routine as doing the laundry, there are some almost surefire ways to NOT impress a woman.

Among these would include asking a woman her age and weight the first time you walk up to her (they are sensitive about this; don't ask me why), burping, farting and talking with your mouth full at the dinner table.

Now about dinner. I suppose dinner and a movie is so routine, that is is bound to not impress a woman in and of itself. I mean, have you ever seen a woman jump for joy about eating a chili cheese dog or those little bitty things that past for fries at McDonald's? So, she gets all spruced up by taking a shower, shaving her armpits and legs, putting on perfume, having her hair and nails done at the salon, putting on lipstick, putting on her necklace and ear rings, putting on her little bitty watch. Well you get the picture. Thank God she didn't have to bother with a bra and panties. Who needs those anyways?

Now if she being the "weaker" sex can do all of these days, then it shouldn't hurt to do at least half of what she did. I mean it helps to clean up and dress up a little. Or you can always do a Woodstock version of a date. No harm there. If the cold weather makes you feel homey, how about actually staying at home and showing off your cooking skills? I'm have my own version of hamburgers that is much better than fast food and sausage and shrimp jumbo that isn't too shabby either.

In my case, a goatee, mustache, full beard and any of the other variations of facial hair don't work on me aside from the three or four old day growth which would then have to be shaven off since it interferes with women's ability to see my baby face and to touch my baby smooth face.

Shaving one's facial hair, trimming nose hairs, ear hairs, pulling eyelashes, shaving chest hair, or whatever else you do should all be done in the privacy of one's home, apartment, cardboard box or where ever it is you reside these days.

I mean there is nothing more gross about having to eat soup that has one's long nose hairs in them. Right? Just be careful to not do so much that it indicates that you spend more time looking at yourself in the mirror than a woman does.

So after picking her up, or maybe she picked you up or maybe you both met at the restaurant, you should then go about your business. Now I suppose you could go to a bar and watch female oil wrestling, but I would think that would be taking things a little far on a first date.

I also advise that in addition to not taking her to a fast food restaurant on a first date (unless you are a teenager in love for the first time, but have no money), you should also try something a little more interesting than those chain restaurants. Nothing wrong with them in and of themselves. But come on! If you are going to take her to one of those, why not book a flight to the West Coast so at least she can have a different view of things. If you live on the West Coast, the mountains of North Carolina and Tennessee are nice for a change minus the smog, but then why not get a resort for a weekend getaway?

Anyways, as you are entering the restaurant, if you are wearing a hat (and I don't mean the baseball version either), then remove it. Of course, if you were wearing something a bit classier anyways, it would indicate that you pay attention to small details. Besides, a hat is nice to have at this time of the year. As you are being presented with the table by the waiter, if she is wearing a coat, take the coat and hand it to the waiter. Engage in brief conversation about something other than the bad economy (I know this from personal experience), order your meal and then talk some more. Try to be attentive to her without staring and without indicating that you are actually more interested in her assets than anything else.

Don't dominate the conversation. This indicates that you have a fragile ego. With the economy being the way it is these days, no one from the chronically homeless to the investment banker on Wall Street (do they even exist as a occupation anymore?) can afford to have a big ego.

Take your time as this indicates you are more interested in getting your relationship off on the right track than your stomach.

Some other ideas while you are on a date would include:

Always open doors be it the car, house, a place open to the public, etc... Pretty self-explanatory.

Do not curse
Swearing is a big no-no. It shows that you don't have the vocabulary to express your thoughts appropriately. Furthermore, it is always very crude and impolite to be vulgar.

Do not speak loudly
When you speak loudly, it raises the stress level among company. It always implies that you can't reason with people and rely on "brute force" to get your point across. It also draws attention -- negative attention.

Do not spit.
A lot of men do this almost subconsciously. Spitting is very crude and not too pretty to look at. Do not spit in public unless you want to look like you were raised in a sewer.

Put on her coat
Always help a lady put on her coat or overgarment. This is a simple but powerful action.

Help with her seat
If an unaccompanied lady is sitting next to you, it is important that you help her be seated by pulling her chair out for her and gently pushing it back into place, with the lady seated of course.

Give up your seat
If a lady arrives at the table and there are no available seats, you should stand up and offer yours to her.

Stand at attention
Always stand when a lady enters or exits the room. This rule has been somewhat relaxed, so you can stand upon entrance but remain seated upon exit. Nonetheless, if you can do both, you should.

Give her your arm
When escorting a lady (that you know) to and from social events, you should offer her your arm. This is a little more intimate, but serves well when walking on uneven ground -- especially if she's wearing high heels.

Ask if she needs anything
This is one that most guys already do, but helps complete the gentleman in all of us nevertheless. When at social events, make sure to ask the lady if you can get her something to drink (or eat, depending on the event). Show her that you care about her comfort and needs.

Hopefully, this will be enough to get you started. I can't be everywhere for you anyways. So get going!


Connie said...

Thanks for the nice comment on my blog. You should recognize the place it is in Knoxville, downtown.
Oh and I like the black dress in your picture.

Chris F. said...

I certainly recognize it. Thanks for stopping by.