If I Only Knew It Was Going To Be This Difficult

Around eight years ago, I was baptized and accepted Christ as my savior. If I had only known then what I know how. What do I know how? Life has been more difficult and more complicated for me by far than at any point prior.



I was turned on by Daisy Duke when I was two years old. I don't recall being aroused again for about another twenty years. Nope not even in high school with all those beautiful girls. What can I can say? I was very shy around girls then and still am to a certain degree. You won't see me stripping in front of a bunch of women at a club, but the things I can do in bed!

I could be wrong, but I assume most women are attracted to the Cary Grant, John Wayne or James Stewart types more than the Mike Tyson or even the Adolph Hitler types. Or even stuff that passes for sport these days although I admit I was a big wrestling fan back in the day.
I can't imagine anyone with a brain or a conscious at all enjoying bloodsports be it human or animals and I'm not attracted to women who enjoy this stuff either. Weren't the Romans civilized?

For the record, I find Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Angelina Jolie to be boring, insecure, self-absorbed or something along those lines.
I find Kim Novak, Jane Seymour and Leeza Gibbons to be more stimulating. Of course there will always be those girls, women or what have you who are drawn to the bad boys. But I'm not that type. I use my mind more than my body to get what I want.

A word about Hitler. I've been studying the man off and on for around 25 years. While he still a bit of a enigma, the more I learned about him and the more I learned about myself over the past ten years or so, I emphasize with the man. He was very human. He was very intelligent. He had charisma. He respected a father who nearly beat him to death. He was once poor, hungry and lonely. Anyone relate to this?

For most of my life, it was pretty cut and dry. Even dull from a certain point of view. After committing to Christ, I thought since God is so precise, consistent, straight and narrow, with laws governing the universe like gravity and physics, it was going to be easier to live life now. I don't know about you, but I've been wrong in my assumptions of what life was going to be like as a Christian. It has been more difficult and conflicted. I regularly struggle with sexual temptation, so I have this battle going on between the left side of my brain and the right side of my brain.

So I try to find some halfway point mostly by dreaming about it or looking up videos on YouTube.



Being a mostly left-brained person, I'm not inclined to get touchy-feely with people. I can think of ways to deal with problems and situations where right-brained people can't. I can't act, dance, or sing. I prefer to produce or write. I have an incredible amount of discipline. So I've come to learn something in this whole process. What isn't important is being a left-brain or right-brain person, but a whole brain person. I'm still a work in progress. Acknowledge my temptations and satisfy them to a certain extent, but draw the line. Just because it goes on in the world doesn't mean I have to like it or go along with it. Ultimately, God will judge and avenge where He sees fit. Aren't left brained people typically individualistic anyways? Use logic when it comes to money or property, but don't treat your girlfriend or wife as if she were a test tube. Anyone ever seen Rear Window?



Lately, after struggling for years with career choices, I've started coming back to what I originally set out to do in life: making TV shows or movies. I'm in the process of writing a screenplay and organizing all the details for several movie concepts. I've even written around 20 songs. Hopefully, one day it will be there for people to see or to hear. I'm following my heart, not my head on this.

When I have both sides of the brain working, then I will become a whole, although not a perfect person. Only time will tell.